“After physiological and safety needs have been fulfilled, the third level of human needs is social and involves feelings of belongingness” Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
The need to belong is one of our fundamental human needs. We live in a society where belonging is how we often evaluate our self-value and worth. Feelings of NOT belonging often fuels the belief there is inherently ‘something wrong with us’. For the Peacemaker, this belief can create a loss of identity with ‘Who Am I?’ and often playing the chameleon changing and evolving to their external environment with an unconscious agenda of always needing to be safe.
Self-sabotaging beliefs of the Peacemaker include …
- ‘I don’t matter’, ‘No one sees me’
- ‘I don’t know what I want or need’
- ‘I have to keep peace at ALL costs’
- ‘It’s not good to show anger and cause conflict as this creates disharmony in my connections with others’
What is the price we pay for this perception?
- disassociation not only from the self but often the world around us. There is a ’safe barrier’ often placed between the ’self and others’
- weak boundaries: what is mine and what is another’s becomes murky
- self-sabotage: feelings that you aren’t worthy of having more than you have, putting the needs of others before self and placing a glass ceiling on what you can achieve
- anger, resentment, guilt and often sadness
- exhaustion on all levels emotionally, mentally, physically and energetically
The dynamics of this perception are played out in our relationships foremost, the adult still plays the ‘child role’ and allows others to make most of his or her important decisions. For example, where to live, what job to take. Often in compliance with their decision even when he or she believes they are wrong because of the fear of disapproval and rejection.
The endings of close relationships, whether romantic or not, can cause deep feelings of helplessness, devastation and psychological wounding as another layer of the ’something is wrong with me’ is embedded even deeper. Easily hurt by disapproval, criticism and conflict of any sort, the ‘Peacemaker’ often can be bound to toxic relationships, jobs, careers and environments way past their due date. Whether consciously or unconsciously they have concluded this is how it is.
In the next blog post we look at breaking free from the negative implications of the Peacemaker.